New Year. Old Me.

It’s that time of year when everything we see and hear screams, “Near Year! New You!” For me this year, I don’t want a new me. I want the ‘old me’ I used to be. However,  I wouldn’t mind getting rid of the dreams I have all the time.  

You see, I dream all the time when I sleep. Sometimes I dream about crazy off-the-wall scenarios, recent events I’ve been through, or things I have yet to do. However, some of these dreams are so real I can get confused between dreams and real life. It can get pretty wild when I’m convinced I told someone something but it was actually a dream I had. The other night, I dreamed I was laughing. Not like a chuckle or ‘that was pretty funny’ kind of laugh. It was the deep down, good old fashioned belly laugh. The type of laugh you can feel throughout your whole body, from the tips of your toes to the top of your head. The laugh that makes you forget about problems. I don’t remember what I was laughing at (my guess it was at a spectacular pun or ‘dad joke’), but I remember the joy and happiness which came from it.

When I woke up that morning, I remembered that feeling of laughter and it caused me to think of one of my favorite cartoons. There is one episode of Bugs Bunny I have had fun quoting throughout my life (Here’s the link to the full episode, queued up to my favorite part, “Falling Hare”). The premise is Bugs Bunny had just gotten conked on the head with an extremely large wrench by the gremlin he was looking for. Then the completely dazed and confused Bugs Bunny said to the gremlin, “Which way did he go, George? Which way did he go?” And those words, my friends, was the exact words that came to mind when I woke up, Which way did [she] go, George? Which way did [the old Lauren] go?

You see, it’s been far too long since I’ve had that type of laughter — the true, genuine, heart-felt, joyous laughter. These years of trials have slowly taken away the happy, smiling, joyous person I used to be. I still smile, laugh, and have a great time with people, but I’m not the joyous person I used to be. I feel like I haven’t had that deep-down, whole-body laughter for far too long. That dream showed me what I’ve been missing and what I desperately need. Which way did that Lauren go? I want to find the happy, joyous Lauren once again. 

Another part of the old Lauren that seems to be missing is the part that trusted God without reserve and the one who was willing to give her most prized possession without a second thought. When I was in elementary school I had won first place in a competition and I was so happy and proud. I probably would’ve slept with the trophy if it wasn’t so hard and pointy! I remember one day soon after winning it and after I made the bed I placed the trophy and a note on top of the pillows on my bed. I don’t remember exactly what the note said, but the general idea was this, God, if You want this trophy it’s yours. I want You to have it. 

In my young brain, when I got home from school that afternoon, I thought my trophy would have been gone because I gave it to God. However, it was still there! Why little Lauren thought the Great Almighty would want this small trophy I don’t know. As time has passed I’ve come to realize it wasn’t about the trophy at all. It was about that kind of heart, attitude, and love that God wanted from me.

Unfortunately, I’m not sure I would do the same thing now. The house I bought has been interesting to say the least, but it’s getting to the point where all the repairs are coming to an end. So, could I say, “Lord, my house is Yours. If You want me to sell it, I will sell it”? I don’t know if I could. I want to hold on to it. I want to enjoy all the repairs and improvements. I don’t want to give it up. 

The downward slope starts there. I’ve lost my ability to give God one of the things I hold dear. Because I don’t want God to tell me what to do with my house, I’m not giving Him my whole life. I’m holding pieces of me back. If that isn’t bad enough that attitude screams, “I don’t trust You, God!” I don’t trust God that if He ask me to sell my house, that there is something better down the road. I want to do it “My Way” (as Frank Sinatra so eloquently sings).

If God did call me to sell my house, maybe it would be because He knew something I didn’t. Maybe by selling my current home, I would find my dream home. Or maybe, it’s just God asking for my obedience. One may never know the reason. However, I do know this — if God ever did ask me to sell my house, I would have to because I know His way is the best way. I pray before that happens I can become the person I used to be so I can do whatever God asks to me do, freely and with a good attitude.

Do you know the great thing about this is? I can get back to who I was — the joyous and trusting person who was willing to do whatever God asked of me. Maybe you are the same way and want to become who you used to be or maybe you want to become a better version of yourself. We can all get there! God meets us where we are at and helps us become who we ought to be.

God is not some pious being up in the clouds who looks down upon us like we were some ants ruining His picnic. He wants to be with us, help us, and guide us. God’s Son, Jesus, came to this earth to be with us so He knows what it’s like to be human. Jesus has felt everything we’ve felt such as sadness, love, and pain. So when we need help to become the people we want to be, Jesus is right there and willing to help us. For He said:

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” [Matthew 7-8 NIV]

I also like the way the New Living Translation phrases it because this says asking isn’t a one-and-done type thing. We have to keep on asking. 

“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.” [Matthew 7:7 NLT]

Here a few other verses about asking for help from God. I’ve added bolded text to the parts that stand out the most to me.

In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.” [Psalm 18:6 NIV]

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

And lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge Him,

And He shall direct your paths.” [Proverbs 3:5-6 NKJ]

“Do not be anxious about anything, 
but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, 
present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, 
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” [Philippians 4:6-7 NIV]

“Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” [Hebrews 4:16 NIV]

“Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But he must ask in faith, without doubting…” [James 1:5-6a NIV]

“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.” [1 John 5:14 NIV]

Therefore, our first plan of action to get to where we want to be is to talk to God. Ask Him for the His wisdom and His help. He is gracious to give us what we need when we need it. For me, getting my joy back and trusting is a two-part process. The first part if focusing on the joy by looking at the good things in life because there are many (Philippians 4:8). The second part, and most important part, is growing closer to the Lord for Nehemiah 8:10b says, “…for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” Not only will growing closer to God give me joy, but it will help with giving God my whole life and holding nothing back. When I am close to Him, I want what He wants because when I turn my eyes upon Jesus, “the things of this world will go strangely dim, In the light of his glory and grace.¹” and I realize, “I am only [on this earth] to get [to Heaven].²” God will do the same for you in whatever you need. 

This year, I am focusing on “New Year. Old Me.” Therefore, I will no longer have to say, “Which way did the old Lauren go?” I can say, “She’s right here where she belongs.” 

Keeping the Perspective,
Lauren

¹Helen Howarth Lemmel. “Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus.” Public Domains, 1922. Hymnal.

²Running the Bases. Directed by Marty Roberts and Jimmy Womble, UP2U Films, 2022. Amazon Prime.